Mixed emotions

Boy do I feel stupid. I thought today was Taylor's awards assembly. I really did not look at the date on the paper she brought home. I have been out of it most of the week. I have been sick. So feeling on top of the world this morning I was excited about going and capturing on film her great achievement. You would think someone at the school would have wondered why I was wandering up and down the halls waiting for something. I finally asked when I was noticing that the children were not leaving the gym and there were no chairs set up. Really though all morning I have had a smorgasbord of emotions over another daughter who should be receiving her highest honors this year and graduating from high school.


It really did not hit me until yesterday. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check over this situation. I have had to be the really tough mom over the last few weeks and I have not let myself feel anything about this. Paige has made a series of bad choices. This morning I was remembering her as an elementary student. How concerned she was with her grades, how polite she was to the teachers, the awards she received at her school, how she loved school but hated being away from her family. How she loved playing softball and how good she was at it. Changes began in middle school. A lot went on that I had no idea was happening with her. So there began the choices she began to make that have put her on the path she is now on. We tried to work with her and help her. As soon as we were aware of certain things we really tried to get her the help she needed. And it seemed all was going well. She was good at letting us think she was fine. Now, I am not making excuses for her behavior. She knows now as well as I do at some point you own up and take responsibility and don't let situations you have no control over take control of your life. She has been taught that through many sources! I honestly think things just get too overwhelming for her and she runs instead of facing things. Yesterday Chloe came in to talk. She had tears in her eyes as she told me of the Senior assembly that took place at school yesterday. She, like me, has tried to keep her emotions in check when it comes to Paige. But there up on the screen more than one time were pictures of Paige. She kept thinking - Paige should be here, she should be enjoying all of this. She will never get this moment again. Being a senior should be the happiest time of ones life. - As she related all this to me I could not help but feel so sad for not only Paige but for what Chloe was feeling as well. With my older children I was so excited this time of year for them. For the wonderful new experiences they were going on to. Knowing that what lie ahead for each of them was going to be challenging but exciting as well. It has been hard for them. But they each have in their own ways made their marks in the world and have really accomplished a lot of things. Like normal teenagers they thought we were "geeky" or "old-fashioned". I think they thought we harped to much about church. We said and taught what we did because we know it to be true and know that it will bring the most happiness to them. That is something that will never change. We also knew that they would outgrow most of that and learn we were doing the best we knew how at the time. I love them more for their courage and strength that they showed. All of this with Paige has left me overwhelmed and discouraged. Sunday was hard as we honored all the graduating seniors.Paige was not there - I don't know where she is at the moment. But I got through it and I know I will get through this.I have been focusing a lot on my other younger children and trying hard to throw myself into their joys and love.

I have found a lot of comfort in the scriptures concerning all of this. They have lifted me up when no one else could. I have found the answers to how to handle the different situations. I have said many times how grateful I am for the words but I can not express it with words. I know that someday Paige will see the "daughter of God" that she is and come around. The covenants I have made assure me of this. So I do have a certain kind of peace. But the joy shall come at another time with her. This I know. For now I am soooooo excited and optimistic about Taylor's achievements - as well as, Chloe, Chad, Noah, Hayden and Autumn's. Ashleigh, Toshia, Chelsea and Seth continue to amaze me with what they accomplish! I love you all more than you will ever know!