One little word...HAPPY

Let me warn you on the onset this may be a long post-but worth the read. To begin with the holidays were fabulous! We had such a great time being together as a family and I will post about that in a couple of days complete with pictures.

It is hard sometimes to share on my blog things from my heart. It makes me vulnerable and I don't like that. But last year in seminary I learned that it takes courage to be vulnerable and it is OK to open up. I just had to wait until I was ready to articulate all of my feelings. To be honest I did not even know how I was feeling most of last year. My word for 2012 was purpose and I choose that word to try not only to put my house in order but to live an uncluttered life. I went on a completely different path though as my year began to unfold. Never in a million years could anyone have told me that a few choices made by a couple of  my children would send me into a complete tailspin. First, the good choice of Ashleigh getting married to a very good guy - Nick. He really has made her happy and I can see her growing in many ways because of this union with him. So lots of planning and helping and doing what I could to make her day a very happy and memorable one kept me busy. As good as all of this was a little corner of my heart was sad because it was not a temple wedding. I say this only because of my belief of it being forever and ever when it takes place in the temple and not for any other reason. And I have to say she did everything to make it the sweetest, nicest, most beautiful wedding that I have attended outside of the temple. So I tucked away that little bit of sad in my heart. Chad's situation was completely opposite. A time that we should have been preparing for his mission was spent just praying he would graduate from high school. This completely through me for a loop and I fell into despair as my heart ached for him to make better choices and figure life out. My purpose for several months was just to make it through the day only to be followed by sleepless nights worrying and praying and crying. I had to move through this because it really was not the end of the world. I had been through things with Paige and so I knew I could do this hard thing but in reality I was slowly giving up on parenting. Why try? Nothing I seemed to do was working and I really turned inward. Then a blessing happened and I have had the wonderful experience of having my mom and step dad move here. The reasons why are not important and probably don't even matter much but it was an answer to a prayer coming to me in a very unexpected way.  I really had to put on my game face and work hard to help them. It helped me a lot to move out of a dark place. So then my purpose became to serve them and look for others I could serve. I realized that I was putting to much emphasis on "me" and that my other children at home really needed me to continue to teach them and love them as if the choices of Chad were not going on. Does that make sense? I learned through these three events that happened in 2012 that I really have more purpose than I realized. Also, that as I tried to be uncluttered with things I allowed my spirituality to become cluttered with noises from the adversary. Let me say I did not allow this to go on for very long - fortunately by staying in the scriptures every day I was able to override those noises with the joyful news that the gospel brings. Which brings me to my word for this year.

Happy. I needed my children at home and my sweet husband to see happy. I was not smiling as much and even when happy things were going on around me I found it hard to look happy. I actually began thinking about this word in October. As I was studying one day I came across a happy scripture. And the word just caught hold of me and I continued to read the scripture over and over again when I realized that the happy I was thinking I needed to be was not the happy that the Lord wants me to be. I was finding it hard to celebrate when others were getting their mission calls, or going off to college, or finding seemingly great jobs. I was telling myself that the great choices these kids were making should be the ones that my kids should have made. That they would only be happy if..... Well, what the Lord wanted me to discover I think was that there is a difference between joy and pleasure. Happy by the world's standards deals with pleasure - for yourself or giving pleasure to others. My children will have to discover this difference on their own. I make it harder for them to discover it if I don't live it. I want them to see that my joy, my happiness comes from obedience and that true happiness includes Heavenly Father and all that He has to offer me if I live according to His word. In December I was at the church bookstore buying a gift. My eye caught the title of a small book that sums up what I had been thinking I wanted to do with my word this year. "Happy Like Jesus-Lessons from Jesus Christ on how to live" by D. Kelly Ogden. As I flipped through the pages and then went to the table of contents I decided I had to have this book. So, Merry Christmas to me - I bought it.

Now my plan for the year:

The book has 18 two word chapter titles e.g. Be Happy, Be Holy, Be Humble, etc. I am going to combine a few of them but have each one be my word for the month. So for instance, the month of January I am going to work on Be Holy and Be Spiritually Minded. I am keeping a separate journal for my word this year and I think what I am going to end up doing is making a sort of smash journal. I want to find scriptures and quotes but most importantly record how I applied these words in my life.  I want to walk with Jesus all year long and give greater attention studying him not just his circumstances. Studying his personality, teachings and behaviors, his character traits - how he acts. The author of the book says that if we study him, "we will look to him and try to become like him so that we may live". I also am going to blog about this journey as well. One of the things that makes me happy is writing and last year I just found it so hard to write about anything let alone the everyday happenings of a mother of eleven....so I am recommitting to my blog and other things that I let sit on a shelf all of 2012.

So Happy New Year and I hope you all have found your word by now and are formulating a plan on how to use that word to lift you and bring you real joy and happiness.......