Dirty laundry

Note:This may be long and contain thoughts that are from the heart. I have to write now and get it out or my head is going to explode. (not really)

Yesterday I did the hardest thing. I can't say the hardest thing ever but still it ranks right up there with hard things. Paige has been in jail again for a while. She has been living in a completely and utterly disgusting house for the last year and half. I have never entered the place. I have dropped her off there but that is as far as I have been onto the the property. For a lot of various reasons I needed to get her things out the house. I needed David to go with me so we had to wait until Saturday to do it. I have never entered such a dirty place in all my life. I know they exist and have driven by homes that I only imagined were that dirty but never in my dreams could I have pictured what I walked into. The smell was disgusting, and filth and dirt everywhere. My heart sank. This is what she had chosen? Addiction does not care about clean or dirty. Addiction does not see that as a mother you spend hours trying to clean your home and have beds for children to sleep in and chairs to sit in and a clean floor to walk on and food in the refrigerator. I was taught from a young age by my wise mother - "you don't need money to be clean". Addicition does not allow you to remember what wise words your mother might have taught you. I had told this quote to Paige many times when she was a little girl.

With David's help I bagged up her stuff in about four large garbage bags. There was not one article of clean clothing to be found. I made a pile of things and told the dad living there that he could just throw it away. It was not even worth my time to clean. We got it home. I had David bring everything upstairs for me to start doing the laundry. As I started to sort through things I was so overwhelmed with sadness for this little girl. I started with a dark load. I put the the setting on "sanitize" which is a two hour long cycle. I thought the longer I could wash it the cleaner it would get the better I would start to feel. It didn't help much. This process went on for six more loads. Each load getting lighter in color as I went. I stayed up until about 1:30 this morning working on it. I had four clean tubs to fold and put things away in. The last couple of loads I only did on "kid" cycle - that being only one hour and fifteen minutes. My last load I put in this morning before church (I know it is the sabbath, but I had to get the rest of the smell gone) - it was a small white load. I did not realize how little she had that was white. Pure, clean - those words kept going through my head. It did not come out that clean - a dingy grey whiteish color. There I had done it. All she had was now as clean as I could get it and stored in four tubs and one laundry basket. This morning I went with David and visited her. She looked so skinny and scared. Her face and eyes swollen from tears. I was taken back by what she had on - a striped uniform. My mind immediately went to some bad movie scene where they all wear striped uniforms and are telling everyone "they didn't do it". Her dad did most of the talking. I was afraid to talk that I would not be able to hold back the tears. I wanted to be strong. Not for her but for David. He has had the opportunity as bishop to visit several people in jail before. This was different. I listened to her as she tried to explain how she had gotten to this place and how much she finally realized what everyone had been warning her about. That if she kept making the choices she was making she would end up like this. I thought of the dirty clothes, the dirty house, the lies, the secrets, it kept swirling around in my head as I listened to conversation mostly one sided from her dad. She wanted to be held, loved, forgiven, and told everything was going to be alright. But between us was glass and wire. No touching, no loving - just listening and talking. I did not say much at all. I think David was worried about me, he offered to leave if I wanted to talk to her alone. I told him no. Then the sound over the PA: Weitzel back to your cell, time to go. She lost it. I can't do this she said - you have to her dad said. I got up, Paige, I love you, I believe in you, you will figure this out! were the words that came out of my mouth. Tears flowed freely now, David cried, Paige touched the glass - mom she said. "I know" is all that I could get out of my mouth. We left. No words all the way home. That dingy white load in my dryer is all I could think of. How could or maybe the better question - would Paige get clean again? I know how it works, but will she figure it out? will she ever see herself as the Savior does and know that there will be hours ahead of her on the "sanitize" cycle. She has lots of steps to take but does not need to take them alone. He will take that dirty, dingy white and make it whole again if she will do what she needs to. I cannot do that cleaning for her, she has to do it herself. But I know now I can stand beside her and guide her if she wants me to be there. I have forgiven her for what she as done to me. But now she needs to start forgiving herself and move forward. David told her that. I loved what he said, " You can't change what has been, but look toward the future to what has not happened yet and how will you make that better? It isn't written yet. You can make it better than the previous day. Do it, do it Paige". She has time now. Lots of time to read and pray and work some things out spiritually. My mind was racing with all of this as I went to teach the sunbeam class. My new calling now at church -the sunbeam class. How I loved them today as I looked in their eyes and saw Paige when she was three.

I washed my hands a lot last night and this morning as I was doing the dirty laundry. Each time I could smell the soap so fresh and clean on my hands. Paige can be fresh and clean again like when she was three but she will need more than soap - the Savior - He will help her and all I can do now is pray along with everyone else who loves her and wants her healthy and happy again. I feel His spirit as I pray, the comfort he gives me I know He is giving to her. That gives my JOY!