Tonight I went with Paige to one of her "AA" meetings. It was the first one I have gone to with her. She was celebrating her 30 days mark. It meant a lot to her. For the first time in a very long time I believe she really wants to get better. She seems to be trying harder than I have ever seen her try before. It has not been easy. She is physically a mess still but each day seems to be getting stronger. Her addiction has been so hard on not only her but our entire family. (Hers isn't alcohol but drugs) As I sat in that room filled with people from all different backgrounds and circumstances I wondered how did she ever get to a place where she even had to be there? What caused her to choose to take such a different path than the one I imagined for her when I held her in my arms as a new born baby. What caused her to make choices that have led her to so much misery and heartache. As I observed the people in that room and heard some of their stories I was sorry for them. They had had such hard lives - broken homes - abuse - alcoholic parents - I could see how they could end up there. But what made Paige end up there? I realized that addiction does not have one face. I could have passed any of those people on the street and never recognized that they had addiction problems. They looked like some of the people I associate with and know. There was not a specific look to an addict. I guess I thought for some reason they would all look a certain way. I did see years of abuse had taken its toll on them but still their faces looked like most peoples. Beautiful Paige was right there in the middle of them all. As they spoke of a "higher being" who was helping them get through each day I realized that God knows each of their names. He knows their hearts and their circumstances. He knows their faces. I was taught a great lesson tonight. As I realized that I had been blessed so much - with a great knowledge and the power to be able to say no when presented with certain choices was a gift. This gift is something that some people have to learn and work for. I have other things in my life that I struggle with but I don't struggle with that. Paige will have to struggle the rest of her life with that issue. When things get hard for her she will always have to make a choice and decide not to turn to her addiction. I hope she can feel the power of God in her life and learn to cling to that. As people spoke tonight that is what ended up helping each of the people who have been sober for any length of time. In the car ride home she said she was grateful I went. It meant a lot to her. She said she was grateful that she did not have to worry about our home - that it was a safe place and clean place. She then shared some of her living conditions over the last year and my heart just broke. She said that even though this has been very hard for her she is grateful that she didn't spend years on the street trying to get to this place. I pray she is strong enough and will find a the good place inside her. I pray she will come to know how God looks at her and sees her beautiful face. I pray I have the strength as her mother to always remember who she is and that Heavenly Father has placed her in my care to watch over and love. That I can give her what she needs to work through this hard time. I am realistic. I know that relapse are always around the corner. But as someone said tonight "You have to get to day 30 to get to day 31!" I just loved that thought!
I have not spoken much about this baby girl of mine - it is a quiet heartache I carry but along beside that heartache is a heart filled with joy because I know and understand the atonement. I know how it works and I know that Jesus Christ bore all and that my baby girl can have that gift in her life if she will only let Him in. The key is to let Him in. I am who I am today because He is in my heart and thoughts. I want to be like Him and I want to see the child of God in everyones face like He does!
10 comments:
Yay, Paige! Congratulations. And hooray, Candy! I'm sure this has been almost as difficult for you as it has been for Paige. You are a wonderful example to me of patience, love, and endurance. Here's to day 31!!
Thanks for sharing this. It was beautifully said.
I'm so glad you were able to go to a meeting with her! I can barely see as I'm typing this, because of the big tears in my eyes:) You are awesome and so is Paige!
Thanks for sharing this, even though it was probably hard to do. Most of our blogs show mostly fun and happy things, but I'm sure this will be a help to many people to have gone through similar things or who will go through similar things with our children!
Candy, having grown up watching my Dad struggle with drugs, and then lose his life to them, this post touched quite close to home for me. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and Paige's. I spent a lot of my childhood in and out of those AA meetings and events, and just picturing you sitting there with your sweet girl took me right back to those days ... the sights, the sounds, and all the many questions I had at such a young age trying to figure it all out and make sense of my Dad's world. I loved what you had to say about addiction not having "a face" ... there are many faces out there, and they can hide it well at times. But one thing they all have in common is the hurt in their hearts, their paths paved with burdens and regrets that have at times wound out of control ... and their aching desire to stand stronger against the storms of life. And it's daughters like me and mother's like you that understand it all too well ourselves because we've watched our loved ones live with it. It's nothing short of hearbreaking to see them struggle like that.
I too am thankful that I have the knowledge of the Atonement and the Gospel to help me better understand and accept the pain that addiction causes loved ones and their families. And the hope it offers that there is a plan for each of us ... and that Heavenly Father's love for us is as strong, if not stronger, as the love we have for our own children and parents, and that He and our Savior will never forsake us. Paige is the Daughter of a King ... she is a precious daughter of God that is all merciful and who knows her heart and recognizes her efforts to fight this.
Paige, and your whole family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope so much for all of you that there will be many more days of sobriety to celebrate! It takes a strength that one can not know until they face it themselves ... but the love that you and your family have for her is an amazing blessing that will help carry her through.
Thank you for sharing this with others in the real and tender way you did.
((hugs))
You really expressed yourself well. I am glad Paige is seeking help--I know this has been a hard road for all of you.
Even though we talked today as I read this post i started to cry.. I hope she reads this, she needs to read this...
I am so glad that Paige has made ti to now day 31! This has been a long struggle and I wish everyday that I could make it easier for her, but I know that in the end it is her choices that get her the help she needs. Love ya!
I'm so happy to hear she has made it so far! I can't begin to say I understand what she is going through, but I do understand getting to a point in life where you have to decide to let Christ in. I pray she really means it this time and she will let him in. He truly is a miracle worker and I know he is just waiting to help her too.
I love you both.
This is so beautiful, Candy! Thank you for sharing your heart with us and for being so real. Through your words I can feel the unconditional love you have for Paige. She is beautiful!
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