Joey

I have been wanting to post a lot of different things for the last couple of weeks. My internet was down, I lost for a short while the cord to my camera, I was busy with the hundreds of things I have to do during the day - they were good posts - Autumn sayings, the children's latest accomplishments with school, baseball, softball and track, my feelings about a book I am reading right now, the crafts I've been making - none of this matters right at the moment. It seems so trivial and unimportant as I am now sitting here in California very early in the morning trying to make some sense of what has happened over the last few days.

Tuesday afternoon my mom called just as the kids were getting off the bus from school. I did not get to my cell phone fast enough and then the house phone rang. I answered - my mom crying - "something terrible has happened". Knots start to form in my stomach - "Missy's Joey has killed himself" - the room started spinning - "we are on our way over there right now" - "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh" is all I could get out of my mouth. "I'll call you when I know more." I am trying to hold back the tears as they flow from my eyes and my girls come bouncing in the door. They knew something was up - "girls go upstairs I have to call your dad". Dave answers his phone - I tell him - silence - "you need to get down there". "I know - but how? I'll call you when I know more." I am numb. I call Aundrea -"can't teach piano today could you call Tyler",
she offers to take the girls. "Girls go play across the street for a while." Piano student shows up -
the only one I could not cancel quickly. I numbly teach just gong through the motions not hearing the notes - my head just spinning with thoughts of my sister and her family. Finally that is done and I call Toshia - "whatever it takes mom, you just get down there". I call my mom back because I have heard nothing and mom tells me a little more. I talk with Missy - "I need you, I need you here with me". "I am coming, I'll be there as fast as I can." I walked over to Noah - "what's wrong mom?" "Noah I love you" as I grab him and hold him and fall apart in his arms. "Mom- what's wrong?" I tell him - then he hugs me tight trying not to cry but be strong for me. "We have to find Chad" - Oh, Chad how do I tell him? He is the closest to all of those cousins. We go to the high school Chad has already left to go shopping for prom. He thinks he's in trouble as I catch up to him and get him to come home with me. I tell him - his tears come fast and hard - I can't hold him I am driving. Silence in the car except the sound of our crying. We get home and let Dave know what all we have found out, make the arrangements to fly down here. I talk with the older children. But how do I tell Paige? I don't want this to set her back at all. She has come so far and this is such a hard thing for all of us - how will she cope? "Be strong Paige, this is the time that we live what we believe! Hold on to the knowledge we have been blessed with and know that God knows everything and He is there for us now - cling on to the Hope and Faith that we say we have!" Dave gets home and pulls the whole family together for prayer - what a beautiful and powerful prayer he gives. Some peace in my heart as I hold the little ones - cling to the bigger ones - my children holding me up and filling me with the strength I need for my sister's family.

The next morning very early we get down here. As I walk into the house I just fall into Randy's arms - I feel the strength gone from that big strong man - I know I was to be here. I am amazed at how everyone seems to be coping - I think they are running on auto pilot. We cry, we laugh, we cry some more, then there are moments of silence. How can all this be happening to our family and yet the out pouring of love and hugs and as we all rally around Missy's family. Each one of us bringing what they need for comfort and support. My brothers and sisters gathering everyday loving together as we try to make some sense of a tragic situation. I knew I was loved by my family but this outpouring from one another has shown me how little it matters the distance between us - family is truly where the heart is! We will get through the next few days as hard things are coming and love will pull us together as that will give us the strength we need. As my world comes back into balance in a few weeks the everyday things that I blog about will have a deeper meaning for me - life is so precious and can be gone in an instant and that instant changes forever the lives of those who are left behind.