What a hard week

So many things have happened the last 10 days. So many emotions. But out of tragedy - for me has come many blessings. I have seen the hand of the Lord in all that has taken place this last week. So many tender mercies on all of us. Missy and I talked a lot about that on Friday - and only as she can do she whipped out her journal and started recording all the tender mercies we could think of - and there were many. I also noticed that she had written a lot in that journal of hers. She will be so glad that she has as she looks back and has recorded all her day to day dealings with her children and especially those she had with Joey. Again my little sister teaches me.

One of the special moments of the week was on Tuesday when my family and I attended the temple. What peace and comfort we found there. I kept thinking - this is the place we need to be before we have to face the hard day of Joey's funeral. I was reminded of so many things there and learned some new things that brought peace and comfort to my heart. I can only imagine what it did for Missy and Randy. I could feel the arm of the Lord extended out to comfort and love us as we sat. The beautiful prayer that was offered seemed to be directed to our family. He know us - He knew we needed to hear those words that day to carry us through the next. I am so grateful for the peace of the House of the Lord.

As I came home to my family late Friday night I felt so tired and exhausted. I knew I had to try to get back to normal routines and the job of taking care of things here. Saturday I got the billing done and grocery shopping caught up and then spent time just holding and talking to the different children one at a time. I was not always patient as sometimes they were having their little quarrels with one another but inside I wanted them to see that all I wanted was for them to just get along and have some happy time with me. Today as I worshiped and prayed I felt the spirit as I reflected back on all the blessings that have come to my family this last few days. How wonderful the Relief Society is as they not only blessed my sisters family but mine here at home as well. They took over for me and cared and loved my family. What a wonderful organization we belong to!

My heart aches for my sister as she has the job of moving forward with her life. She has been a strength and pillar to everyone around her. I know it is going to take all of us to help her and Randy but they both bless all of us as we watch them live the gospel and hold onto what we hold most dear. Families are forever.

This week I am going to look for ways to show more love and kindness to those around me. I want to speak with a softer voice. I want to smile more. I want to give more hugs. I want to show my children how wonderful and beautiful this world is. I want to live my life so that they see the joy the gospel brings me. This experience has helped me to reflect on how I choose to live. I choose to live being a little better each day!

Joey

I have been wanting to post a lot of different things for the last couple of weeks. My internet was down, I lost for a short while the cord to my camera, I was busy with the hundreds of things I have to do during the day - they were good posts - Autumn sayings, the children's latest accomplishments with school, baseball, softball and track, my feelings about a book I am reading right now, the crafts I've been making - none of this matters right at the moment. It seems so trivial and unimportant as I am now sitting here in California very early in the morning trying to make some sense of what has happened over the last few days.

Tuesday afternoon my mom called just as the kids were getting off the bus from school. I did not get to my cell phone fast enough and then the house phone rang. I answered - my mom crying - "something terrible has happened". Knots start to form in my stomach - "Missy's Joey has killed himself" - the room started spinning - "we are on our way over there right now" - "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh" is all I could get out of my mouth. "I'll call you when I know more." I am trying to hold back the tears as they flow from my eyes and my girls come bouncing in the door. They knew something was up - "girls go upstairs I have to call your dad". Dave answers his phone - I tell him - silence - "you need to get down there". "I know - but how? I'll call you when I know more." I am numb. I call Aundrea -"can't teach piano today could you call Tyler",
she offers to take the girls. "Girls go play across the street for a while." Piano student shows up -
the only one I could not cancel quickly. I numbly teach just gong through the motions not hearing the notes - my head just spinning with thoughts of my sister and her family. Finally that is done and I call Toshia - "whatever it takes mom, you just get down there". I call my mom back because I have heard nothing and mom tells me a little more. I talk with Missy - "I need you, I need you here with me". "I am coming, I'll be there as fast as I can." I walked over to Noah - "what's wrong mom?" "Noah I love you" as I grab him and hold him and fall apart in his arms. "Mom- what's wrong?" I tell him - then he hugs me tight trying not to cry but be strong for me. "We have to find Chad" - Oh, Chad how do I tell him? He is the closest to all of those cousins. We go to the high school Chad has already left to go shopping for prom. He thinks he's in trouble as I catch up to him and get him to come home with me. I tell him - his tears come fast and hard - I can't hold him I am driving. Silence in the car except the sound of our crying. We get home and let Dave know what all we have found out, make the arrangements to fly down here. I talk with the older children. But how do I tell Paige? I don't want this to set her back at all. She has come so far and this is such a hard thing for all of us - how will she cope? "Be strong Paige, this is the time that we live what we believe! Hold on to the knowledge we have been blessed with and know that God knows everything and He is there for us now - cling on to the Hope and Faith that we say we have!" Dave gets home and pulls the whole family together for prayer - what a beautiful and powerful prayer he gives. Some peace in my heart as I hold the little ones - cling to the bigger ones - my children holding me up and filling me with the strength I need for my sister's family.

The next morning very early we get down here. As I walk into the house I just fall into Randy's arms - I feel the strength gone from that big strong man - I know I was to be here. I am amazed at how everyone seems to be coping - I think they are running on auto pilot. We cry, we laugh, we cry some more, then there are moments of silence. How can all this be happening to our family and yet the out pouring of love and hugs and as we all rally around Missy's family. Each one of us bringing what they need for comfort and support. My brothers and sisters gathering everyday loving together as we try to make some sense of a tragic situation. I knew I was loved by my family but this outpouring from one another has shown me how little it matters the distance between us - family is truly where the heart is! We will get through the next few days as hard things are coming and love will pull us together as that will give us the strength we need. As my world comes back into balance in a few weeks the everyday things that I blog about will have a deeper meaning for me - life is so precious and can be gone in an instant and that instant changes forever the lives of those who are left behind.

TOFW

I just got back from a fabulous Time Out For Women this weekend. The theme for this year was "Choose to Become". The scripture from Mark 9:23 "All things are possible to Him that believeth" goes right along with my word this year - BELIEVE. I listened very carefully to all the presenters and music. I was filled with a sense of joy as I brought the two words - become and believe together in my mind. I have gone through so many hard things the last couple of years. I am facing a new challenge right now that is very discouraging but because I "believe" I know I will "become" to be able to deal with it and move through it.

One thing that I have thought about myself is that I am not that great at anything - I do things and try to do them well but I am not fantastic in fact mostly just average. This weekend I realized that my "average" has brought me a tremendous amount of blessings. My "average" has helped many people and family. It's OK that I am not just fabulously the best at any one thing. I don't mean not to keep trying to improve or be better - that is part of the process of becoming but along the way before I get there I have been blessed by my average every day accomplishments.

I found this little story from the Nov. 1985 conference report today as I was studying. It sums up for me all that I took away from the speakers this weekend.

"Many years ago I heard a story that impressed me. A beautiful little blind girl was sitting on the lap of her father in a crowded compartment in a train. A friend seated nearby said to the father, "Let me give you a little rest," and he reached over and took the little girl on his lap.
A few moments later the father said to her, "Do you know who is holding you?"
"No," the little girl replied, "but you do."
Some might say, "What a perfect trust this child had in her father." Others may say, "What a wonderful example of love." And still others might say, "What an example of faith." To me it indicates a beautiful blending of all of these principles. Affection, respect, and care over the years had placed in this little girl’s heart a peace that surpasseth all understanding. She was at peace because she knew and trusted her father.
Our trust and our relationship with our Heavenly Father should be similar to that of the little blind girl with her earthly father. When sorrow, tragedy, and heartbreaks occur in our lives, wouldn’t it be comforting if when the whisperings of God say, "Do you know why this has happened to you?" we could have the peace of mind to answer, "No, but You do."

As I "become" who He wants me to be I want to keep this story in my mind and know that He knows all and I can have peace with that. I have a peace this day of all that I am to face - even if it is hard. I know He lives and that He will hear and answer my prayers as I strive to keep the faith, love and trust in Him. I am so thankful for a couple of days that the Lord could teach me and lift me in ways that I did not imagine possible. I am thankful for a sweet daughter who could go with me and her (and my) wonderful young friends to share this moment of time with. All of us will be better because we took a moment to be more than "average" and let Him tutor us!