Saturday ramblings

I don't know why I have not posted in so long. I have been busy, but really nothing more than the normal busy. I have lots I could have been writing about. Trips to the coast, trips with friends, shopping with friends, funny things the kids have said and done, great FHE lessons that have been happening, things the kids have been doing in school, projects I have been working on, dates with David, some of the fun reading I have been doing, lessons I have been teaching at church (seminary and relief society), all my running and exercising. So it is not that there has not been things to write about. I have been in a little funk since November. It was not the holidays. They were great! It turned out to be a very happy holiday season. I traveled and saw extended family and the children were all together with us for Christmas. So I just don't know what it is.

I was sitting here reading "crafting" blogs and finishing off a small (very small) container of Ben & Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie ice cream when I thought I needed to write something today. But I don't know what is worth writing about. So while my life has been very full and busy these last few months my heart has been heavy with worry for Paige. That must be what I am supposed to be writing about right now.

She is in a bad way again and things just don't seem to be getting better for her. I know it is her choices. Maybe that is what the funk is all about. As a "mother who knows" when one of your little ones strays so far from all that they were taught it is hard not to have a heavy heart for them. I do all that I am supposed to and even a little more to make up for what I am lacking in some areas and yet I feel like I am spinning in circles when it comes to this one little baby girl of mine. My head knows all the right things to do and my heart even allows me to follow through with the consequences that have to be dished out and even though for this time how the situation is with her needs to be what it is; I still long for peace for her so I can have peace. I watch other families and moms as they cope with life with children and I think I am doing pretty good most of the time. But until things are at a good place with Paige I think I will have a small cloud over me. I can tell you though that I allow the sun to shine through that cloud or should I say "son". My faith is stronger than ever. My hope is greater than ever and my love for her is just as full as when she was first laid in my arms. I am able to do this because of that Son who went through all of this for me so I could lay it at his feet. I am not unique with the situation that I deal with but sometimes I do feel alone. So as I write this I know what the funk I am in is all about. I know how to fix it. I need to write about all the "busy" in my life more regularly so I can see all that is good. I need to not let so much time go by before I write or journal things. A good reason for keeping up on my blog. Even though I write in this format so that my family can be caught up on everything going on here at our home, I write so I can see what is good and joyous going on at our home. I can use these writings now whereas my children might use them later when they have their families. What a wise Heavenly Father for having the prophets teach about keeping journals. I have been studying about the women in the scriptures and realize that their struggles and heartaches parallel mine. What I am learning is so wonderful yet I am sure if another women read the same thing she would learn for herself a different lesson. I am glad we have their writings to learn from.

I have a relief society project to work on this afternoon so I should be getting to it. I feel the darkness of the cloud lifting even though the cloud will still hang over. Life is good! I am so glad I have eleven wonderful children to teach me how to be an eternal mother. Even though the lessons are hard some times, they are so worth every moment I have to learn from them! That is how I see today "through a mother's eyes".